I didn't notice at the time, but clearly when I got home to do my "how much did THAT weekend cost me?" assessment, I realized the issue. Digging through my purse, wallet and pockets, I quickly surmised that the missing half was not on my person and I had been given this half of a twenty in error. Or on purpose. Either way, I had a completely split bill, and the other half was not to be found.
I have been carrying it around with me, partly out of forgetfulness to do something about it, and partly because I didn't know WHAT to do with it. Several unethical and immoral solutions came to mind:
- Switch it out for a good $20 in a restaurant bill booklet and hightail it off the premises as quickly as possible.
- Try to pass it off in a stack of money at a store, tucking it in gently behind other bills of full size.
- Attempt to buy a large Giordano's pizza with it, hiding the fragment in between the hefty driver's tip.
- Clutch it in my fist and wave it as a "bartender flag" for quick attention and prompt service, only to shove it back inside my wallet when served.
- Send it to my sister and tell her to buy $10 worth of gas on me.
- Give it to the homeless man in front of Starbucks in the hopes that his dazzling smile of gratitude will be worth the deception.
Clearly, none of these options work. They're either too mean, too illegal, too cunning or too difficult to pull off.
The legal, government-approved solutions were far less entertaining. I knew that I could go to the bank and see what they'd say. One idea was to try to claim that the ATM spit it out in a stack of other twenties, but the audience to whom I put this idea immediately shot that one down, saying that the ATM is a computer and computers don't make mistakes like that.
For fear of having the Chase Bank representative humiliatingly catch me in that twisted and unreasonable web of deception, I went for the real truth. Ok, so the doctored truth.
Yesterday, I walked over to the branch near my office, and planned to approach the friendly male teller. I smiled, shook my hair, and sashayed up to the counter, and put the mangled bill on the desktop in front of him. I announced, "I just got this as change, and when I realized it, the store told me to come into the bank, that there was nothing they could do." Brilliant smile, hair shake, eyelash bat.
He snickered, and said, "Man, that sucks," and followed up his honest response with, "Where did you say this happened?" I had to lie here, since it was two weeks ago and I have no freaking idea.
"Walgreens," I stated firmly. Serves 'em right for hiring lousy customer service reps over there at my local drugstore. He smiled (the knowing smile of someone who's been there) and said, "I'm sorry, but since this is clearly not more than 50% of the bill, we can't exchange it for you, much as I'd like to be able to. You'll have to visit this site for instructions on what to do."
Okaaay.
The government. The U.S. Treasury. Not exactly known for their flexible negotiating or understanding sympathetic personalities.
The website basically states that if it is a "mutilated currency" I can send it in by registered mail and see if they can refund it. The kicker is this: the only way it is legally exhangable for a new bill is if it is clear that the other half is destroyed. Basically, they don't want to pay you for a $20 if someone else out there could potentially claim that, too. URGH.
So, I think I'm screwed, and out $20. Which is 10 morning coffees, 3 lunchtime salads, 1 cute shirt at XXI, two pairs of earrings at Target or 4.5 gallons of gas. Depending on how I would have spent it. I'm voting on the caffeinated choice.
Blah. Should I reconsider options 1-3?
Side note for the curious: when I scanned this on our printer, and tried to open the PDF in Photoshop to resave it as a JPEG to upload it here, immediately I got a Photoshop message box indicating that it is illegal to print banknotes and the print function was therefore disabled. Interestingly smart for a computer program. Maybe that was true about the ATM after all?
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14 comments:
what is this XXI you write of where cute shirts are 20 bucks? do you get to wear them more than once?
WARNING MALE READERS: GIRLY COMMENT COMING
Brenna—do you NOT know of the newly renovated and reinvented Forever 21 that is now XXI?? On the corner of Ohio and Michigan? Dangerously close to my office?
They reinvented their brand to focus on our age segment, and the quality is much improved (I would never have fit into, or bought the old stuff). I have been debuting tops all summer that I got from there, and literally were all anywhere from $20 - $30. YES. And, I’ve worn them a lot.
Some of the stuff is still small (i.e., I couldn’t fit into a skirt or dress there if I tried, they’d all be too short) but the tops, earrings and other accessories are the best.
Now you know. It was my civic duty.
This is a tough dilemma. It would be easy to pass the half $20 off to a waiter at a chain restaurant, but I don't think you would feel good about it. Flashing it to a bartender could come in handy and your constant ticket to the front of the "cocktails, plase" line. Just a thought.
My guess is that the person who passed it to you is taking the balance from the till. Each time they did it, they would net $20...or a top from XXI.
Grr...how annoying to have this happen! I mean, it's only $20, but it's also TWENTY DOLLARS! Good luck getting it back from the gub-ment. ;o)
As for XXI, ours is still Forever 21, but from the sounds of it, I will go there much more often once they do the switchover. I am a size small most places, and have to buy LARGES there right now. And that's just a nice way to feel like a fat-ass mofo, yo. Ha!
I would advise against using it as bait to get to the front of the cocktail line. If a man were to do this, it would move him to the back for most bartenders. If a six foot tall attractive blonde woman did it... well it would probably make little difference.
I think option 5 is the best of the available choices.
AmyD - patience, my friend. XXI is worth it. If you can stand fighting over cute tops with 14 year old girls who didn't notice the transition. Mommy's paying the credit card, remember.
RestaurantRefugee - thanks for the subtle compliment, and the advice. My sister won't like it, though, I suspect.
Lauren? Your vote?
Not nice to screw your little sister like this. I see that you are willing to screw your unknowing sister but not a homeless person.
Nice. I see where I stand in your priorities.
As for XXI... I am ready. Bring it on to the ATL. But if it is anything like Forever 21, I will be a 2XL there (or in this case a XXL). That is if I want to actually put my boobs IN the tops designed for pre-teens.
I think the "take the $20 as a loss and use it as a future flash-at-the-bartender tool" sounds like the best plan to me. Put it in one of those many clutches you have (that likely cost more than $20) and use it over and over. We KNOW you hit the bar over and over...
i'd try to trade it to someone for $10 bucks. tell that someone that they can get $20 for it by lying to the government about the other half being destroyed.
win win for everyone (but the governemnt). does this mean i'm unethical?
I think you should use it as a tip the next time you get REALLY bad service somewhere. Leave your 10 or 15% for crappy service and then add in the partial $20 bill. The server will believe they have hit the jackpot and will have know idea how much turmoil you just interjected into their life.
I think you should frame it and hang it behind the counter. Kind of like businesses will do when someone writes a bad check. Hahaha.
Depending on which day you ask me, I think my choices are between Liz's suggestion (evil) and Nilsa's (funny).
Hmm...
Does sashaying usually work?
If so, I have to add that to my arsenal o' charm.
CRAZY! It's hilarious that there are such strict rules for swapping out damaged bills. This post has definitely been an education.
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