At Least it Would Be Quiet

As a single woman, I am often on the listening side of many hilarious kids stories from my friends with children. I think they view me as the objective outsider. Or as someone who can sympathize with their plights by the absence of any like it in my life. Who knows, but I do know that I love hearing them.

My appetite for the funny, interesting tidbits ranges from curious ("he said THAT to the store clerk?") to the ill-informed ("I thought she was old enough to sit facing forward in the car.") to the downright aversive ("you had to clean WHAT off of the bathroom walls?").

It is similar, in a way, to the manner in which I carry on a conversation with those who have had the privilege to travel to foreign countries I've not yet visited. I want the details, love the anecdotes, need a mental image, would appreciate a photo album, will laugh at your trials, will share in the glories, and quite am often glad I wasn't there to witness it first hand.

Today's story is provided by my dear friend Jenny. You probably know her from the cleverly crafted comments she adds to this site. Usually her comments rival the original post for humor content, but I won't hold it against her. See her latest work on yesterday's blog about crayons. Brilliant.

This morning, Jenny's kids were playing nicely and quietly in the other room, giving mom a few rare minutes of peace while she surfed the web, catching up on her favorite bloggers. The silence was pierced by her daughter, we'll call her MB, screaming at a fever pitch, "GIVE IT BACK GIVE IT BACK."

Jenny, from the other room, pleaded her son, we'll call him B (to protect his "innocence"), to please give it back so that fortheloveofgod she would stop screaming. B comes running out of the room laughing in a devilish big brother way. Holding nothing. MB is chasing him, still yelling for him to give it back.

A tad bit exasperated, and curious what had incited the matter, Jenny asked them what the heck is going on. Defiantly, MB told Mama that B stole her cake. Jenny was baffled.

There is no cake. It's a pretend, imaginary cake.

That, instead of giving it back to his little sister, B proceeds to smash. MB falls apart. Jenny, in supreme 'Mama Fix It' mode, has to beg B to please put the cake back together and give it back to his sister. My dear friend Jenny swears she stood there arguing about said cake for at least 5 minutes.

Upon hearing this story, our other friend Liz asked if the kids were doing shrooms and Jenny thought no, they're not. Because if they were, they would relax, quit screaming and stare at the shadows. We won't let Jenny buy any. Besides, we don't know a good dealer.

When I was told the story, I complimented Jenny on raising her children with such vivid and active imaginations.

To which she replied, "Sometimes I wish they'd imagine meditation or, say, sign language."

And I thought being here at work in front of a computer was taxing. At least my co-workers aren't in the other room fighting over imaginary baked goods.

Which makes me kindof hungry...come over here with that cake, wouldja?

Childlike Behavior

I am a firm believer in acting like a kid. Not all the time, mind you, but on rare occasion I consider it a very healthy thing to do—let loose, laugh a lot and just behave in a silly way.

It is quite freeing, I tell you.

Last night was a prime example of letting go, whooping it up, and relishing the little things. Brett and I declared last night to be Dave & Busters Olympics 2008. He had a pre-loaded game card from a past work outing, and we were ready to go. After fueling up on fried foods and a bottled beer (not all activities were childlike), we were ready to go.

During dinner we plotted out the game plan. Two ribbons were at stake: FIRST Place, and LAST Place. First place warranted the tagline "Total Domination," while Last place was left with "The Low Moe."

Five key events were chosen: Skeeball, Pop-a-shot, Gunslinger, Daytona 500 Racing and Nothing But Net. Other random sideline events were declared to be warm-ups or time-fillers during NBC's television time-outs: Colorama (roulette-like game), Jump Around (e-jumprope), Spin-o-Matic (wheel of fortune) and Motorcross Bike Racing.

As the athletes prepared for competition, the trash talking began. I was confident that Skeeball would be my stealth killer, and Brett felt sure of his Pop-o-Shot abilities.

NBC and ESPN are reporting the following results on the sports ticker this morning:

Skeeball
Highlights: Brett dominated early, and Colleen came back in the second half with lots of balls flying into the 100 cup.
Athletes' Reactions: "Was it always this hard?"
Outcome: Colleen can roll ugly brown balls better. Colleen wins!

Gunslinger
Highlights: Colleen spent half her time figuring out how to hold the rifle, and Brett took command and the Western Saloon was his. He scored 10 times more points than Colleen, but didn't cheer quite as loudly as she did when she finally hit the beer bottle target.
Athletes' Reactions: "You suck at this. Close the OTHER eye!"
Outcome: Brett is the meanest man in the West. Brett wins!

Television Time Out—athletes are seen spinning a giant Spin-o-Matic and yelling "big money, no whammys" at the machine. Both hit it big, and the tickets started spewing out of the machine. Childlike celebrations abound.

Daytona 500 Racing
Highlights: Brett, in his lean blue racing model, led for 497 of the 500 laps, only wrecking and rolling once. Colleen survived six nasty crashes, and finally learned how to measurably slow at the curves.
Athletes' Reactions: "There's a brake?!"
Outcome: Colleen made her southern roots proud, coming back in last 3 laps. Colleen wins!

Pop-a-Shot
Highlights: Colleen, getting serious, puts up a ponytail. Brett smiles knowingly as he spins his miniature basketball. Games were close, often only separating the pack by 1 basket. Balls kept bouncing to other courts, but the athletes couldn't be bothered.
Athletes' Reactions: "What the $#*@^? I used to be good at this game!"
Outcome: I am afraid Colleen might get in trouble for parading her win on this one, so it will go subtly stated. She dominated.

Television Time Out—athletes are seen failing miserably at the Electronic Jumprope game. Both are embarrassed and walk away in shame (towards the bar), declaring that "the dumbest game ever."

Nothing But Net
Highlights: Colleen swishes her first shot, and then proceeds to airball more than her fair share. Brett gets warmed up, and his form was just as good as his glory days in high school. (This is the giant basketball hoop, and it just seemed SO far away and SO high to Colleen).
Athletes' Reactions: "How do I keep completely missing the basket? And, why am I starting to sweat?!"
Outcome: Brett never let go of his lead, scoring on average 16 more points than Colleen. Brett wins!

Motorcross Bike Racing
Highlights: Colleen and Brett choose the Chicago cityscape as the background for their course. Athletes competed in separate events against foreign competitors. Colleen crashed her bike into the El tracks, Buckingham Fountain, the walls on Lake Shore Drive, and took out an entire al fresco cafe on State Street. Brett managed to figure out how to pop wheelies, and proceeded to showboat through the entire downtown, but didn't measure his speed that well on Lower Wacker Drive. Both athletes were extremely impressed with the graphic surrounds, and can blame that as the distracting factor for poor performance.
Athletes' Reactions: "Do we really have to mount and straddle this thing?"
Outcome: Colleen came in 5th in her heat, and Brett rose to 4th in his. Lousy performances, and no medals were awarded, but Brett wins!

Television Time Out—athletes are seen putting their last D&B points down on Yellow at the Colorama machine. Similar to roulette, this game teaches kids that for a truly big payout, you must forgo the sports and just gamble. Athletes win big when the blue ball lands on Yellow, and the machine spits out 150 tickets. Athletes shout in excitement!

Athletes were able to cash in their money for something better than gold and silver medals...CRAPPY FAIR PRIZES! The pair settled on a Chicago Bears mini-football, a Dave & Busters shot glass, and an orange rubber snake. Just to taunt Colleen with.

At the end of the competition, it appears that it was a close series of events, but ultimately, Bob Costas declared Brett the winner of the overall Dave & Busters Olympics. Hanging her head in shame, Colleen accepts defeat like a 10-year old, and threatend to "take her ball and go home."

TGIF (Thank God I'm Free)

I totally hijacked this from Dooce, but it isn't often that I literally LAUGH OUT LOUD, so I thought it was worth repurposing here. And, I saved you the trouble of going to the link where the opening copy is in Spanish.


And, yes, I realize that this is especially funny since I'm currently child-free.

If I were drinking milk, it would be coming out my nose.

I'm a Terrible Person

Why do those "Children International" people always hit me up? I tell myself it is because I am approachable, and seem friendly.

More likely, I look like a sucker.

Alas, I try to walk fast, look straight down, and not make eye contact. Hell, half the time I even have my phone in my hand pretending to read a very important email.

But, no.

They still say, religiously, in their chipper voices, "Do you have a minute for children?" forcing me to reply, "Uh, no, sorry."

I don't have a minute for children.

Well, when you put it that way, I just sound like an evil wretched human being.

Of course if a small child were on the sidewalk, in need, I would help. I would dive into action, trying to do anything I could to save the little tyke. Probably while cooing and uttering comforting, kind words to them so they wouldn't be scared. (That sounds creepy, but I assure you I'm good with kids).

But, when I am forced to say yes or no to the leafletters on the sidewalk, I come off like a witch. (See Monica's blog "Ramblings of a Crazy" for more on this subject.)

Nope. No time for cute kids today. I'm selfish that way. Now move over.