Darth Vader to the Rescue

This morning, I learned something new. Shocking that this type of education could come into my life before 9 am, but it is true.

The CTA bus drivers have a small screen above their heads, within arm's reach, that displays several options for the pre-recorded public service announcements. They can actually CHOOSE which messages they want to cycle up next, and which ones they feel that this busload of people doesn't need to hear.

This isn't that big of news unless you consider the implications and the historical references to these pre-recorded messages in the past. First, there was this girl who talked on her phone so loudly and the "ironic" timing of the message about how that type of behavior should be avoided while on the bus. Or there was the time the bus kept stalling on Michigan Avenue and the announcement about where to direct your compliments or complaints about CTA service was also "ironically" timed. Who knows, maybe it was all in the hands of the bus driver?

Kindof changes my point of view on these announcements. And, makes me wonder...

Wouldn't it be nice to have an omnipresent, omniscient voice to follow you around and say the things that you wish you could say without being a total jerk? In that pre-recorded, banal voice?

I suspect they'd start out professional and public service-y, and end up getting nasty, cutthroat and personal.

Here are a few that MY personal public service announcement recorder would play:

• Please don't stand so close to the person in front of you when in line at the grocery store, a bar, the bus stop or anywhere else where people congregate. It is annoying for you to be up in my business, breathing on my neck.


• Please don't walk in large groups across while going down the sidewalk on Michigan Avenue. While we appreciate that you all want to experience this fair city together and at the SAME EXACT MOMENT, is it really necessary for you to link arms and walk 6 deep? This isn't an offensive line, and you're just plain offending me.


• Please don't chew gum with your mouth open. The sound is distracting, it looks disgusting and I'm pretty sure your momma taught you better.


• Please don't talk through the movie as it is shown in Grant Park on the big screen. If you wanted to just talk to each other, you should have gone to a restaurant. This is for, you know, watching the MOVIE.


• Please don't leave your dishes in the public sink at work as it can spread germs and increase other levels of unsanitary bacteria. And, I'm pretty sure your momma doesn't work here.


• Please replace the paper towel roll in the kitchen if you are the last person to use it. It only takes a second, and it is common sense and common courtesy. Clearly you are deficient in both areas.


• Please use turn signals to indicate the direction of travel you intend to take so I don't ram into the back of your bumper as you jerk to a stop. I can't read minds, and if I could, I'd say that there didn't seem to be much activity in there anyway.

See, wouldn't it be nice for some automated voice to express all of those pesky pet peeves and don'ts to the unsuspecting public around you? I'd like to request James Earl Jones to complete my voice-over, thank you.

What would your public service announcement say? And, more importantly, who would voice it?

Manipulative Mama

My friend Carey just came into my office to tell me a weird story. And weird it is.

She met a girl, let's call her Tammy, at a social event last summer. They hit it off, and have kept in touch, but mostly by way of Tammy sending out newsletters and emails regarding her work, which happens to be real estate.

Tammy sent Carey an email out of the blue this week and it requested Carey's mailing address. It said, "Please send me your address...I'm pregnant and want to send you the announcement!"

Carey obliged, and sent the required polite "Congratulations" email back to Tammy. It must be noted that Tammy is a single woman in her late 30s that was not in a relationship. I won't judge, and clearly the woman was excited about her impending motherhood, so good for her. They are barely friends - acquaintences at the very most, so it was a bit odd, but we'll let that go. People get excited about their own news.

It was only after Carey received the email back from Tammy that said, "Thanks for sending me your address, and for the well wishes. I was only joking - don't hate me for it. But, it did get my phone ringing and filled up my inbox!"

I have a serious problem with this conniving tactic. The woman is an independent sales person, and building a database is a huge part of her success. But to use a personal ploy, comprised of a huge lie, is so underhanded, so manipulating, and frankly, so tacky, that I couldn't help but react with my jaw agape. Carey felt the same way.

I told her to throw that Mama from the train.

Isn't It Ironic?

On the bus last night, during the treacherous 55 minute trek home in the snow (uphill both ways barefoot), the accordian bus I was on was packed to the gills. I was standing, balancing a shoulderbag, holding onto the pole above, and reading, which I've gotten very good at doing.

A young girl was seated by the window, in the front 1/3 of the bus. I was standing just one and a half rows in front of her, facing her side. She got a phone call.

Flipping open her jeweled cell phone, she loudly answered and began a conversation that was peppered with "like" and "uhm, yeah, totally!" and the volume just got louder and louder. She went on to talk about "how, like, I'm a great manager and I just, like, don't understand why that guy got so mad! I'm, like, really good with people, and can almost always, like, help the customer! I, like, am organized and like, get things done, and totally help out."

She was talking so loudly that everyone, like, knew her business.

Instead of glaring at her, I prefer to watch the other passengers. Silent grumbling. Wrinkled brows. Exchanged looks between couples. Smirks shared by strangers. And, the occasional old person who just doesn't give a hoot about what other people think anymore just loudly ranting about how rude that girl is. Well, rudeness goes both ways, but you're old, so I'll let you get away with it.

Anyway, my only complaint is this: when you're reading, it is hard to have a loud conversation infiltrating your mind while you concentrate on the written words. The story gets jumbled, and you end up re-reading the same paragraphs over and over. All the while you could care less about the stupid chatter you're hearing, but you just can't avoid it. So, I would have just liked to tell this "like, little, rude great manager" to just turn down the chatty volume a touch.

Just then, God interfered.

Ok, so it wasn't God. It was the CTA pre-recorded voice. But, to the masses on the bus, it was divine intervention.

"Please be courteous to others around you while talking on your cell phone." the automated female-voiced announcement said, to an almost-silent -except-for-her bus of people.

Everyone started laughing. Cracking up, actually.

She didn't even hear it. She was still, like, totally, uhm, talking too loud.