In Your Dreams

I've been having the craziest dreams lately.

I haven't been sleeping well, and have been spending a lot of time in the middle of the night staring at the clock in a sheer panic about how few hours remain until my alarm will go off for work.

And I often wake, before said alarm, and wonder that the heck my subconscious is trying to tell me. I have a few theories, primarily since my dreams have been of long-past ex-boyfriends.

Are my dreams the expressions of my....

deepest desires?

subconscious regrets?

unfulfilled plans?

secret wishes?

mental reminders?

underlying nudges?

could'veshould'vebegladyoudidn't situations?

Or...more likely, a triggered memory from long ago that rises up, bubbles to the surface, awakens me with surprise, and fills me with odd feelings.

You've all been there. You have a dream about someone—be it a fight, or a love affair, or a heated discussion, or a telling moment—and when you wake up, you cognitively KNOW that it wasn't real, and that the other person doesn't know what happened, but when you see that person next, you feel odd. Intimate. Strangely connected, irrationally upset, rationally aware, yet embarrassed all the same.

In my recent dreams, I have experienced boyfriends from years, I mean decades, ago; they came to me as they'd be now (married, kids, successful, balding, OLDER) and yet the feelings that I'd had during our relationship were alive and present. One even offered me an extra-marital affair. I didn't partake.

One slightly more recent one, came to me with questions that haunt me to this day—if I hadn't moved away, would things be different?

One in the less distant past finally expressed all of what I'd been waiting for; yet, when I awoke, I felt nothing but relief that he was, in fact, an ex.

What are our dreams trying to tell us? And why do I keep visiting with and remembering my ex-boyfriends of years past? Is this like a drawn-out version of "The Christmas Story" as it relates to my love life?

God, I hope not. If so, I am not going to sleep tonight for fear of which ex-boyfriend will visit me this evening.

But, it does make me wonder what my brain is doing to me—is this a slideshow of the "things that could have been and you should be glad they didn't happen?" or the "see how great life was and you blew it?" or the reminder, in full-color and 3-D, of how badly mismatched we were in the first place?

I have no idea, but I'm not taking Tylenol PM ever again.

That stuff makes you have crazy night "memories."

And you? Don't visit me asking for an affair. In your dreams.

Devil in a Blue Suit?

Last night? I had dreams about high school.

Not the "I forgot my shirt and now I'm in class" or "I didn't study for the exam and now it is on my desk" or "I've missed the bus and now my mom has to drive me to school" or "I'm getting made fun of by the big bad senior girls" variety.

I think one part had people in it that I haven't seen in at least 15 years, and we were all just hanging out catching up. It was like a reunion, without the nametags or the rubber chicken. And, seriously? Her name came right to mind as I woke up. I may have to look her up.

One part had me playing basketball again, but I was this old, which should tell you something about the skill level. And the performance of my aching knees. I'm pretty sure I was in business attire, too.

And part one had me babysitting, or Dear God, maybe they were my kids? Either way, I had a baby and a toddler following me everywhere. I remember the faint smell of peanut butter and jelly.

The last part I can remember had me telling a girl "I was always picked last for sports in school." which honestly isn't true. I was tall, and on a Varsity team. Which didn't say much for my abilities when it came to soccer, rope climbing, Red Rover or other non-basketball/tennis/swimming events. But in my dreams, I was definitely the odd woman out.

Insecure much?

I tossed and turned and changed diapers and took jump shots all night.

I'm exhausted.

I Had a Dream

I had a dream about Obama the other night.

I know, that almost sounds like a poorly-scripted mashup of historical statements and I don't mean any disrespect to Dr. King.

But, I did. Sunday night I spent the evening watching the "60 Minutes" interview with the Obamas and on my lap rested a handful of recent magazines (Time, Rolling Stone, People) all featuring his charming face on the cover. I'm guessing that it all seeped into my sub-conscious, and created a very active imagination in my sleep.

Before you go thinking I'd be interested in having an extra-marital affair with the President-elect, let me clarify. In my dream, he wasn't married, but he was most definitely the soon-to-be leader of the free world. I don't recall much, as I'm prone to do with dreams no matter how vivid, but it felt pretty real at the time.

I recall being shuttled in and out of back doors under the protection of the U.S. Secret Service, and I was dressed up in ball gowns, pants suits and other fancy outfits that befitted a woman dating the man who was to live at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. I remember standing off-stage while he commanded a podium, and receiving him as he exited the spotlight. I remember sitting across from him at a dimly lit restaurant talking for hours. I remember telling my friends, in hushed and excited tones, that I was dating the President-elect.

Maybe I've seen "The American President" one too many times?

When I told Brett about the dream, instead of feeling self-conscious about the state of our relationship, he rather said, "I'm guessing you're not the only woman in America who is dreaming about Obama." He may be right.

But, frankly, I'm content to have him be my President, not my date. However appealing that mega-watt smile, calm persona and sharp intellect may be.