Reunion?

Why hello there, Internets.

I know, I know.

I just up and left you all.

Hanging. Wondering. Waiting.

Well, I apologize.

I owe you that much at least.

What I also owe you is an explanation.

Unfortunately, I can't do that.

So, instead, I'm going to just say, please. Welcome me back.

Will you have me?

I sure hope so. My how I've missed you.

Please be patient with me. Like with anything, it will take some time to heal the pain of our parting. But, I am confident that we'll get back to the way we were.

Remember the good days? The fond memories we shared? The joys that we endured?

See? It's possible to forgive and not forget.

I'm so glad to see you again. Now, let's just hope some of you haven't forgotten what brought us together in the first place.

In the interim, here's a few nuggets to nibble on while you lick your wounds.

Since we last met, a few things have transpired. A lot is different.

And, yet, nothing has changed.

• I am working hard, with long hours and challenging stuff. I enjoy the people that surround me daily, and I have a lot to learn. And much to teach. And loads to give.


• I have decided to go back to being blonde. It is just more 'me' and I miss that. I will keep you updated. It's not a matter of national security or anything, but I know I will just feel more right in my own skin.


• Summer is almost here. It's knocking on our doors, or the open windows, rather. Can you taste the optimism? Can you feel the hope? After an extremely mild winter, and a quite lovely spring, I hardly feel worthy. But, I'll take it.


• I helped out a photographer friend, Tracy Petersen as she built her lifestyle portrait business, and the above shot is one of her best from our time touring Chicago with her lens and my embarrassment. We sure had fun, and the resulting business (oh the power of the random Facebook post!) has been so gratifying.


• The coming months should be named the summer of concerts. I have plans to see many, many live shows, and I'm brushing up on my download skills, making room on my iPod and plotting the morning afters. To name a few, I will be seeing U2 live at Soldier Field (to make up for the tickets I had to sell for my sister's wedding this past September), Kings of Leon (sadly, at a suburban amphitheater), Bon Jovi (also at Soldier Field, good little rockers), O.A.R. (at the fantastic Northerly Island venue on the lake). And then there's the granddaddy of concerts, Lollapalooza. I still haven't made up my mind if the ever-so-strange lineup will call me to be present, but there's still a chance.


• Sadly, I said goodbye to a great friend as she took her leap of faith and moved across the country to find her own big mountain in Denver, CO. I'm so proud of her, and know that doing such a thing 10 years ago changed my life, as I suspect this will for her. It just begs the question, is it time for the next round of Chicago departures to happen? I hate that.


• So many pregnancies! One of my dearest is about to give birth to her very first, and I can't wait to go for the VERY FIRST TIME to the hospital to meet the baby on his or her birthday. I just can't wait. I only hope I don't give in to my biological urges and snatch a baby from the hallways. I should definitely not be left unattended.


• I have the real estate itch. I have found myself spending hours on a Sunday trolling the websites looking at properties. An email even went out to my realtor asking where and when we should start. He urged me to wait until this summer, but I'm antsy and excited. I long for two bedrooms (one for a guest bed and an office) and possibly, dare I say, a second bathroom for guests? In-unit washer and dryer, a garbage disposal and a balcony would complete the package. After five years without those things, who knew how important they'd be to me now? Stay tuned for what only promises to be more exciting, and less stressful, than the first go-round.

And that's about it. I'm not traveling as much, if at all, for work now, so that's a relief. Sadly, that means no more flight delays, hotel room service, late nights, early meetings and getting lost on the New Jersey Turnpike, but I'm not complaining. No, really, I'm not.

Until the next time (it may take me a bit to get back in the groove), I thank you for your patience, continued support and you welcoming me home with open arms.

I've really missed you. It's been a challenge. You have no idea.

See & Saw

It is both a blessing and a curse.

A convenience and an inconvenience.

A delicious luxury and a ridiculous time waster.

A connector and a separator.

A critical forum and a trivial outlet.

A privilege and a detriment.

A must-have and a should-do-without.

What is it, that sparks so many conflicting opinions in me?

What is it, that creates such a see-saw of emotions?

Do guess. I dare you.

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Ok. Since I haven't been all that diligent about posting this month, I won't keep you waiting any longer. Not especially since we all likely know exactly to what I refer.

Facebook.

Spend one hour perusing the pages of the social networking site, and you'll find yourself conflicted too, I bet. If you're honest with yourself, that is.

You'll likely be any combination, if not all of the below, of the following: wrapped up in other people's lives, overly concerned with the smallest of details, obsessed with how your life is being showcased for the masses, connected to people with whom you never would have rekindled friendships otherwise, back in touch with people that you no longer care about knowing, frustrated by the passive aggressiveness of the status update wars and any number of other results.

You'll spend time oohing and aahing at lovely children, dogs, cats, vacations, weddings, tourist attractions, renovations, first homes, in-laws, parties, graduations, childbirths, and, sadly, even deaths.

You'll find yourself comparing your life, meager or full as it may be in reality, to others' lives as they appear in the social networking version of reality.

You'll be shocked by gossip, affairs, job losses, new hires, career changes, marital issues, sibling rivalry and many other states of the personal union.

But nothing is personal anymore, now is it?

Today I realized that, while I'm as big of a fan as anyone else, that the social networking site that has brought us together is likely to tear us apart after all. I can't even carry on a conversation with anyone anymore that maintains any sense of pre-Facebook normalcy. No news is news anymore until it has hit the site's cyberspace. Nothing is real until Facebook confirms it is so. I can't even fill my mother in on anything anymore - what used to be a healthy chat filled with stories about my life, my friends and what's going on in our world, which incidentally is 1,000 miles from her geographical location, is now merely a "I saw that" and "I read that" and "I looked at those pictures" recounting.

It saddens me to think that this is what it has become.

I'm not above it, or morally objecting, or even withdrawing from it entirely - frankly, I feel like if I did, I'd lose the connections to the small social circle I currently have. No, on the contrary. I find that I need to just accept that this is the new reality, our new way of operating socially, and just adjust and move on.

It is just hard - I find that spending time on Facebook creates, or spotlights, other insecurities that I may have done well to stifle, or at least hide. I know now that I am one of VERY FEW from my high school graduating class that is not sad this week to send their kids off to school, to miss her husband as she/he travels, to take the dog/cat/hamster to the veterinarian, to indulge on a week's long vacation somewhere fantastic this summer, to visit the lake/beach/mountain house/cottage/cabin in the past few months, to buy/sell/rent a new car/house/boat or to change my appearance by cutting/dyeing/styling my hair differently, losing/gaining weight, running/biking/walking a marathon/triathalon/charity event in the past few months.

I know I sound bitter.

I'm not - it is just hard to realize that the good news I do have, or may possibly have, is so vastly different from my peers. I don't begrudge them a thing - I am thrilled for them, and honestly, genuinely glad to get to see how life has changed them and made them happy, full and rich with blessings.

For me, I do long to be in a relationship, not just so my "status" can change on Facebook, but so that I can finally find something real. I long to have children, not to just have albums filled with their firsts, but to truly experience the joy that a family can bring. I long to have a house and a yard and vacations and other things that my peers are fortunate to have - but it is just not my time yet.

It hit me hard today when I saw posted something that triggered old emotions that I thought were long since buried. Those emotions are less about what they refer to, and more about what they signify - I'm ready to have some news, ready to be able to announce to the world, in whatever format that pleases me, that I, too, have something to celebrate.

Until then, I'll continue to witness, read, browse, listen, cheer on, encourage, cherish and applaud others' exciting news.

Even if I only read about it on my Facebook news feed.

Addendum 8/12:
After reading the comments below, I feel obligated to confess that there was far less "whining, woe is me" intended in this post than people have picked up on. It was more "can you believe we never talk to each other any more (guilty as charged) but know everything about the loser from our high school class" and "I can't even talk to my mom without her saying something she read about so-and-so on Facebook"...but clearly you guys know that I've had a rough year and are great to comment to help. I just feel bad that you have to boost me up YET AGAIN. When I wrote this, I wasn't even really THAT bad off but I've learned that heartbreak, and the healing that ensues, is a bit like suffering a bruise - it hurts a lot at first, and then later it only hurts when you bump directly into it. Ya know?

Unhealthy Attachment

I have a confession to make.

Without a doubt, I have an unhealthy attachment to the internet.

Clearly, working online, emailing, FTPing, and browsing come in handy at work, and actually increase and stimulate productivity.

The unhealthy part is the other part. The part where I spend time just browsing.

I can justify it—who can't—but this part includes reading other blogs (research?), shopping online (retail therapy?), scanning news sites (education?), visiting MySpace and Facebook (networking?) and other assorted activities.

No. Not THOSE kind of online activities.

And, lest we forget, writing this blog (creative expression?).

But, the truth is, when you lose access to the internet, your world feels smaller. You feel lost. Less productive. Less connected. Like a timid country mouse stuck in Times Square.

We've had Comcast issues at our office since Tuesday, on and off, but it has been down consistently since about 11 am yesterday, rendering us all fairly useless. I mean it—come to my office and you'll see people wandering the halls, visiting in clumps, trying on new clothes, reading the horoscopes, and just plain staring at the walls.

It is bad. Unhealthy. Embarrassing, really.

I must also confess that this post is being written from a comfy chair in Panera Bread, using their free WiFi, while nursing a chai tea latte. I even post-dated yesterday's blog to fool you all, and feel more complete as a human being.

Let's face it—some attachments are just too strong to break.

And, quite sadly, a lot of my loyal readers are coworkers, so I guess this post will just collect dust. *sigh*