I'm sure you all saw this news story yesterday, but it is just too weird to let it go without discussion. A 40-year old man in Ohio was caught, and charged with a felony for, having sex with his picnic table. After you digest that little nugget, I'm sure your next thought is, uhm, how? (Hold the 'why' thought. I am not sure I can answer that one).
Turns out this guy's a genius, and a crafty little pervert. He flipped his own backyard picnic table on its side, and used the umbrella hole for, ahem, pleasure. His neighbors caught him in the act, on video, on multiple occasions, and I for one am glad that video has not yet been released. Although I'm sure trashy Fox News channel will release it soon enough. One has to wonder if the picnic table had consented to the act...
The next question you may be asking is, ok, that's gross and strange, but how is that a crime?
Apparently Table Pervert lives within a certain number of feet from an elementary school, and since he was in the nude performing a lewd act, it is a felony. And, it was in broad daylight.
Did I mention that the guy is married with three school-aged children? That's one way to teach your kids about resourcefulness.
When I was discussing this topic with my friend Jenny, she recalled an incident of similiar gross proportions during a summer residing in New York City with her father. Her dad's building was on 3rd Avenue, in a very nice part of town. She was coming home from dinner with friends at about 11 pm on a weeknight, and just three doors down from her dad spotted a guy literally having sex with the sidewalk.
In her words, "I mean, one could argue that he was having sex ON the sidewalk, but given the lack of actual partner, I can’t help but think the cement was his intended."
The best part of Jenny's story is that he was not just going for it, he was talking dirty to it. Trying to get the sidewalk into the mood, you know. When he noticed her walking by, he stopped, stood up, and pulled up his pants. At least he has some decorum.
Talk about chafing.
And, I notice that it is Wednesday as I once again write about perverts. Maybe today truly is Hump Day?
Posts
