A Bit Like the Hokey Pokey

Everyone knows what people say. That change is good. It makes life interesting. Keeps us guessing.

It was a Friday night, in June of 2000. I was at a wedding in St. Louis. My cousin Mike was getting married, and it was a fun O'Brien party—lots of laughs, dancing and, yes, wine.

After my second glass, I leaned over to Molly, my cousin who was a year behind me in school and had just graduated from KU, and asked her what she was planning to do now.

With a huge grin, she announced that she was moving to Chicago in August and couldn't wait to get to the big city. She'd been to Chicago many times before, and loved the energy and the opportunities there.

I sat quietly, and then, somewhat jokingly said, "Can I come?"

She thought I meant for a visit.

I meant to live there, too.

Laughing it off, as one would do to someone who'd made such a wild request, she said, "Of course!"

She was moving here to live with her high school friend Shannon and her college friend Jill. They were going to find an apartment, find jobs and find out who they really were, post-graduation.

At the time, I was working in Atlanta, had an apartment in Buckhead with two girls from college, and had a pretty good life. Tons of friends, a great social calendar, and the sort of familiar routine that comes with living in the city where you'd grown up. I knew that Trivia was on Tuesdays, where we'd be on Friday nights, that Athens for the Saturday games was just an hour away.

I was comfortable with my choices, but somehow just felt bored. Unfulfilled. Strangely, and unknowingly, dissatisfied that I'd done the expected. Moved to Atlanta after college. Ran with the same crowd, did the same activities and talked about the same things as everyone else whom I'd known for most of my life.

I was itching for a change.

Taking a long, slow sip of my wine, I leaned back over to Molly, and shouted over the band's lead singer, "No, I'm serious. What if I moved there with you?"

She looked at me like I was crazy. At first. Then a slow smile spread across her face. And, she told me to get another glass of wine. She didn't believe I was serious.

A few glasses later, I was that much more positive that a move from Atlanta was just what I needed to shake things up. By the following morning, the idea had done more than just plant a seed in my head—it had blossomed into a whole tree of possibility.

I asked her again what her plans were. Desperate for a few more specifics. She laughed—was I really serious? I'd never even been to Chicago.

By Sunday evening, when I was on the plane home with my parents and sister, I said to them, casually but loaded with meaning, "What would you guys say if I said I wanted to move to Chicago with Molly?"

They looked at me like I was crazy, or joking, and then realized I was dead serious. They said, almost together, that they'd support my decision. If I were serious.

Which, clearly I was. On Monday at work, I Googled Chicago. Perused through the images of the city, the parks, the lake, the surrounding areas. Checked it out on a map. Read reviews of the city, and checked out the comparisons to Atlanta—cost of living, demographics, population, etc.

When my phone rang later that day, and it was Molly, she asked me a pretty big question. She said, "On Wednesday, my Mom, Shannon and I are driving up to Chicago to look at apartments. Are we looking for a three bedroom or a four bedroom??"

I sat, covering the receiver with my hand, at my desk at work and answered the question that would change the course of the next decade, and likely the rest, of my life.

"A four bedroom. I'm in."

They called me from Chicago on Wednesday and told me about the apartments they'd seen. One especially great one on Clark Street in a place called Lincoln Park. It had four bedrooms, two bathrooms, a huge deck, a large overhead skylight and great views of the street down below. And, four guys living next door.

With my approval, and that of Jill's, who was home in Minnesota, they got a copy of the lease and read me the details over the phone. By Friday, I signed my portion of the lease and faxed it in to the management company. I'd been to the bank, gotten a certified check for the deposit, and it was a done deal. I bought a city book on Chicago, earmarked the pages, places and things I wanted to see, and began to search for jobs in my future town.

Seven days that completely changed my life.

My lease wasn't up in Atlanta until September, so I knew I had a few months to ride it out. Over the course of the next 60-75 days, I sold my car, gave notice at work and hired/trained my replacement, bought a new winter coat, applied for jobs, updated my resume and began packing up my life.

My friends held a great going-away party for me, and I cried as I said my goodbyes to those that I'd known for months, years and most of my life. As the taxi pulled away from the party, I didn't question my decision, but silently prayed I'd be happy. I cried all the way home.

When I landed in Chicago for a short "interview/get acquainted visit," I immediately loved the city. So much life! Energy! So many people! High-rises! Such a gorgeous lake, park, Navy Pier! As the cab rounded the curve at Oak Street Beach, I knew that I'd made the right decision.

I was 23, almost 24, and I just knew.

This change would do me good.

Nine+ years later, I have to admit. That decision paid off. Four jobs, three apartments, loads of old and new friends, many loves gained and lost, and lots of memories later, I am still here. I thought two years would be enough to "get it out of my system" but that's just it.

This change, this move to Chicago, was probably just what my system needed.

Apparently I don't do things halfway.

A bit like the Hokey Pokey, either I'm in or I'm out.

And, this time, the change was a little less overwhelming, and yet dramatic all the same.

Last weekend, I dyed my hair. DARK. I've always been the tall blonde. My hair, while gradually going darker over the years, has always been blonde. My eyebrows have always been darker than my hair (that's the O'Brien thing, I got it from my mom's side) and my stylist has been trying to convince me to do it for years.

So, I did.

And, you can see the proof of the process below.











I still give myself a bit of a start every time I look in the mirror, and I haven't recognized my reflection as I walked past a window just yet, but I think it's growing on me.

Change is good. It keeps thing interesting. And, if that last picture is any indication, I will grow to like the spunky new brunette me. Until I get used to it, I'll just fake it.

That's what I did in Chicago—while I loved it right away, I didn't feel like I fit in right away. It took time to get comfortable. I didn't call it home immediately, and now I can't imagine living anywhere else.

I guess that's what change is. A risk, a gamble and a giant step forward into the unknown.

With a bit of an attitude to boot.

Right?

Healing Words

I can't bring myself to write a funny, clever or silly post today. I just can't do it.

Just when you think you have it bad, life throws a curveball into the mix. I don't want to imply that God does it to remind us that things are good, and that we are blessed, but I will say that when times are good, and I have the inability to see it, I find that something reminds me of how lucky I am.

To those of you in my family that are struggling and are dealing with something grave, huge, insurmountable and painful, please know that I am praying for you and am asking for you to be granted strength, comfort, patience and love at this time. Surround yourself with those that love you—it is the only thing to do at this time.

For those that read my blog regularly, but with whom I'm not personally acquainted, I ask that you read this, and instead of focusing on the "whats" and the "whys" of what's going on in my life, and to which I refer, I hope that you'll focus on the people that surround you and the things that make you happy, rather.

Hug your children. Smile at your significant other. Love your parents. Acknowledge your blessings.

That's what I'm doing, and I am finding small comfort in knowing that this too shall pass.

Babies are born each day—new lives brought into this world with a clear conscience, an unblemished heart and a loving disposition. That alone should make us all feel good. (Unless you're Mandi, and the sweet little one just refuses to come out!)

Since I am not a poet, and often cannot find the right thing to say, I turn to Maya Angelou, the giver of great words of wisdom and comfort.

To one that hurts, by no doing of her own, I offer this:

an excerpt from Still I Rise
You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.


To one that mourns, and knows not how to heal, I offer this:

an excerpt from Touched by an Angel
We, unaccustomed to courage
exiles from delight
live coiled in shells of loneliness
until love leaves its high holy temple
and comes into our sight
to liberate us into life.
...We are weaned from our timidity
In the flush of love's light
we dare be brave
And suddenly we see
that love costs all we are
and will ever be.
Yet it is only love
which sets us free.


To one fears what's coming, and knows not how to recover, I offer this:

an excerpt from Alone
Now if you listen closely
I'll tell you what I know
Storm clouds are gathering
The wind is gonna blow
The race of man is suffering
And I can hear the moan,
'Cause nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.

I find comfort in the beautifully crafted words of Maya Angelou, and I hope that those in my life who hurt will too.

I love you all and will continue to pray for your healing.

Emily Post Does Email

My team at work had a meeting today to try to improve the general process we employ as we embark on a very busy time at work. We talked about scheduling meetings, general workflow, project management and communication.

Now, I'll have you know that I work on a team that consists of nine women full time. More if you throw in the additional people that we interface with on a regular basis.

That's a lot of estrogen.

It's also a lot of communication. Most of it necessary, and a lot of it is done over email. Which means that we conduct business using a tool that has virtually changed the face of how we work. Literally.

In light of this, compounded by a hilarious conversation I took part of a few weeks ago at a baby shower (that highlighted many of the challenges of this reality), I was spurred to think about it. I have outlined the basic understanding and rules for each element in an email, and I believe that the rest of it will find itself useful and rather self-explanatory.

As with any email sent, received or drafted, please note that it is impossible to discern tone of voice in type, so please know this: I am not taking myself, or this post, all that seriously.

Email Etiquette and Usage—A Starter Course

To:
If your name is here, it means that you and I are having a conversation, and the same general rules apply regarding politeness, grammar, punctuation and chronology. If I'm talking directly to you, it requires some sort of acknowledgement or response. See also, Commonly Misused

Cc:
If your name is here, it means that I'm dragging you down the hall to hear what I am saying to someone in the "To:" category, because you should hear this also and why not kill two birds with one stone. See also, Commonly Misused

Bcc:
If your name is here, it means that I'm stashing you under my desk so you can eavesdrop on this, but no one will know. It's an ideal way to tattle on someone else, include others that may not be fully "part" of the team, or just generally make things more complicated. See also, Caution

Priority Red Exclamation Mark:
If you see this on an email you receive, it means that I'm stomping into your office to make sure I have your full and immediate attention to this issue right this second. Over anything else that you currently have on your plate. See also, Ego Issues

Medium-priority Orange Exclamation Mark:
If you see this on an email you receive, it means that I'm not so confident that you'll think this is high priority, but I'm selfish enough to think it deserves your attention, say, before lunch. See also, Ego Issues

Return Receipt:
If this tactic is employed, it means that I'm a practiced stalker and I want to know at the precise moment that you've read my email so I can begin my next round of stalking to make sure you respond. See also, Crazy

Timestamp:
If you see that the timestamp is bolded, it means that I am bolding the timestamp on this email so that you can see how early/late I was working at the office/home and I get brownie points that will override the nine out of 10 days that I'm late to work in the morning. See also, Kissing Up

Out of Office:
If you see this, then it means that I'm either traveling for work or on vacation. Either way, you're not high on my list of priorities and you may want to be patient. And if I'm sitting on a beach somewhere with a Mai Tai and a good book, I'll see to responding sometime next week. Oh, and here's my assistant's contact information. Maybe she can help. See also, Lucky You

CC'ing Someone that Wasn't included, and Over Your Head:
If you see that I'm doing this, it means that I'm tattling on you and want a written record of it so you get burned later. And there's nothing you can do about it. You clearly weren't capable of solving the problem without my controlling interference. See also, Tattling

Removing Key People Before Replying to "Almost All":
If you see this, it means that I didn't figure all of them wanted to see my response and I know who needs to actually hear and respond to this issue. But hey, I decided that, and it may mean that you have to add them back on because I don't know what I'm talking about and just added more work to your day. See also, Control Freak

Inappropriate Reply All:
If you see this, it means that I believe that my joke/response is so important and/or funny that I wanted to ensure the broadest possible audience before I let it out there; or, I'm totally lazy and don't feel like responding just to the one appropriate person who should be in receipt of my thought. See also, Loudmouth

Fwd:
If you see this, it means that I received a forward that you just have to see and I'm sending it your way and I don't care if you've seen it 496 times from other people, and I haven't figured out yet that the whole "sending on forwards" expired back when AOL was still the top way to access the trusty little Internet. And I sure as heck haven't taken the time (who's got time?) to delete all of the other junk below the actual message, because why is it my problem to spare all of those people the privacy and courtesy of not exposing their email address? See also, Chain Letters

ALL CAPS:
If you see this, it means that I'm yelling, or else my caps lock button is coated in coffee and I can't be bothered to ask it to fix it or replace my keyboard. Either way, it's not pretty. See also, Meltdown

So there. Those seem to be the basics. Anyone else in the class want to submit their own personal thoughts on proper email etiquette?

Feel free to Reply All. In ALL CAPS if you want. Go crazy.

Billboard Bears

In light of the excellent time of year we're currently enjoying...

WHAT? You don't like Fall?

Fall gives us so many great things. Leaves changing, brisk temperatures, caramel apples, new coats, hot cider, pumpkin patches, leather gloves, Halloween parties, apple and cinnamon candles, the MLB playoffs, tall boots, hay rides, chilly nights for sleeping, down comforters, cute scarves, back-to-school sales, Charlie Brown, candy corn, holiday planning and...

Football.

Whether you're more of a rowdy and loyal college football fan or a spirited and brave NFL fan, this time of year is rich with opportunity. Gridiron is upon us, people, and the getting is good.

Speaking of, I saw the best billboard I've seen in a while. That says a lot coming from a girl with an advertising degree and a paycheck from one of the world's largest agencies.

It was on my bus shelter, rotating in and out for the last few weeks. Featuring two of the Chicago Bears players, it said, "If you're not a fan, you're a tourist."

Clever. Witty. To the point.

There. Sometimes, the long story IS short.

Spit it Out

People, we have a situation.

It's dire.

It's critical.

It's ridiculous.

I have been briefed of said situation by a secret, covert informant and specially trained operative that chooses to keep his/her identity anonymous.

Ok.

It is my mother.

She mentioned to me, in casual passing, that there is a grave uncertainty out there.

A frightening misunderstanding taking place.

It is a frank, misguided perception that I must address.

So, here goes.

You don't have to have anything funny, clever, insightful, interesting to say if you'd like to make a comment on a blog post.

And, you don't even have to say much of anything to have made a difference.

There. I've said it. It's out there.

The dossier on the situation illuminated the gravity, the enormity, of the falsehood to which my readers have fallen prey. There is a painful, inappropriate, extraordinary pressure to say something witty in the comment box. To share your personal identity with the Internet. To willingly, to knowingly, reveal your innermost thoughts and feelings to those out there that you can't see.

I assure you.

That is not true.

A comment on a blog post can be as short, insignificant, or silly as, "Hi. Bye. -Jane Doe"

Or, "You're funny." Or, "You're not funny." Or, "You're right." Or, "You're wrong."

Or even, "You're my niece." Or, "You're my tennis partner's daughter." Or, "You're my high school classmate's eldest."

Why does it have to be all about me?

Turn that little comment on a dime. Tell me about you! I'd love to hear it.

And, come on. If you're being honest, you want to talk about yourself! Go on! Do it!

I dare you.

It's freeing, I tell you.

AND. The catch is, you don't even have to sign your name.

I know! Right?

So easy.

Here's a little Commenting 101 lesson for you.

Free of charge.

I know. Too kind.

First, you click here below the post where you see this (shown here in Exhibit A as "2 comments" in that red hyperlink. A hyperlink is a lesson for another day, but really it means it is words that actually DO something. Take you somewhere. I know. Contain your excitement. Anyway, click on the "X comments" link that looks like this:


Then, you get a new window, where this will be off to the right of the existing blog comments (those brave souls who have gone before you).


That's where you can:

• Say hello. I even gave you a few entry lines above.


• Criticize, disagree with or just plain be mean to me.*


• Chime in on what you've just read.


• Challenge me in a debate, an argument, a discussion or a duel.


• Wax poetically about your current passion, your lifelong dreams, or the one that got away.


• Get off your chest that one big secret that you've been carrying. Yes, that one.


• Share with the world that THING that you've been dying to say, but are too shy to shout at work.


• Justify your existence. Make a name for yourself!


• Or just drop your name, so I know you've been there. It's like the guest book at a huge wedding.

See? Lots of choices.

*That last part, while welcome due to the First Amendment, isn't ideal. It hurts my feelings if you're rude. Especially if you do so anonymously. Have a little backbone! Step up to it, and own your feelings Anonymous! And, frankly, I'm pretty aware I'm not always funny. Or witty. Or trying to be a New York Times columnist or a novelist or even a real professional writer. I'm just writing a blog. Which equates to an online, public diary of sorts. So there's no need to get feisty or mean or anything. But, I can accept it if your comment needs to argue with me, disagree with my thoughts or dissuade public opinion. I welcome the opportunity to start a real debate, here. It may even force me to step up my game.

Ok. After you've typed in your deepest desires, or your latest thought, you'll see this:


And that's where the computer asks you to type in the funky, twisted, auto-generated letters that appear in a random, non-Webster's Dictionary way to prove you're a human being. If you're a dog, and you've made it this far in the process, more power to you.

Then, you'll see this below it:


And that's where you get to OWN your thought. It's powerful. It's like the proverbial soapbox on the campus quad. Step right up, shout it out, and own it. Leave your calling card. Ask for questions. You know you want to. Choose your identity? How empowering is that?!?

The computer will allow you to enter your comment Anonymously (it's the one that is marked Anonymous, so cleverly), or with an account that you may have already (do you have a Gmail account? If so, use that!) or don't have but can set up, or don't want to bother with, so you can just leave it under Anonymous and then sign your name (I'm talking to you, Dad). This whole Anonymous thing is so underrated. It's like getting something for nothing! Who doesn't like that? I won't go as far as saying it's like seeing your name in lights, but you get to be a part of cyber-history.

I know. It all sounds so complicated.

This is the easy part. Two buttons. You make WAY harder choices than that just leaving the house in the morning. I hope.

You'll see this:


And, you'll choose one. You can preview, just to self-censor or spellcheck your reply, or you can just throw caution to the wind and pick that crazy, wild orange one on the left that just PUBLISHES your comment.

See?

So freeing.

And now you can't play the whole "I don't know HOW to post a comment on Colleen's blog" card. That excuse is no longer welcome here. The dog may have eaten your homework, and you may have lost the girl's number, or dropped your cell phone in the toilet, but the instructions are here.

I know. The men that read this aren't still reading it because it included instructions.

Sorry, Uncle Terry. It was only a joke! That will only offend you if you're still reading, and if that's the case, I was so wrong about you and all of mankind.

You can do it. If you've made it this far, then I beg you. Urge you. Pleading with you.

Leave a comment.

It'll make me happy.

And it didn't cost you anything but the 1:49 of time that it took you to read this post. Let's be honest, you waited longer than that for the coffee pot to stop brewing before you could pour your coffee this morning. Or the Starbucks barista to hand it to you.

It's your right, privilege and duty. Stand up and be counted!

At the very least. Do it for me.

It's good for my ego. And, then my Mom can consider this Mission Accomplished.

(Deer Lake Tennis Team, Tim's Mom in Wisconsin, Stranger in Van Nuys, O'Brien Siblings, SJA Class of '69, Random People of the World, I'm talking to you! You are valued readers and I'd love to hear what you think.)

Thanks. You've made my day. Don't say I never taught you anything.

The Joy of Airport Bathrooms

Random vent alert:

Why in God's name do the bathroom doors at airports swing inside?

When you're trying to get in there, you struggle to get the door, and your ever-growing hips, inside the toilet stall, without accidentally touching the nasty public toilet?

And the stupid door doesn't open wide, to let you in freely.

Nope. It opens inward. Where there is already a severe lack of square footage.

And of course there is your suitcase. The one that is on wheels, yet still behaves as if it has a mind and an engine all to its own?

(We'll go ahead and let go of the fact that then you have to squat, sway and huddle over the public toilet in the not-so-rare event that the magic "fresh seat cover" doesn't appear despite the African anteater dance you just performed in front of the sensor. And the fact that while you're in there performing Olympic-qualifying squats, the automatic flusher feels the need to flush EVERY THREE SECONDS just because you flinched, or shifted your weight, or breathed out through your nose. While soaking the back of your work pants with sprays of who-knows-what-liquids-and-free-germs while you genuflect ever-so-gracefully in front of its automatic-sensor-from-hell.)**

It is enough to make a grown (classy, sortof) woman cuss out loud.

Seriously. I am just glad no one has yet figured out how to post online the security videos of airport restrooms.

I'm pretty sure the *stuff* that comes out of my mouth is worse than what's left there by some classy person who can't quite grasp that whole flushing escapade.

Sorry. I hope you were finished with your breakfast.

**I'll save the whole "automatic faucet water dispensing" diatribe for a whole 'nother vent. Seinfeld already covered that little piece of American technology quite well. Check out the whole thing, but if you're late for your flight, skip ahead to 1:26. You won't be disappointed. At least not until you get to O'Hare.

Benched (A Vortex Tale)

Day five of Tales of the Vortex week. You thought I had run out of stories?

Ha.

Let's face it: I have CLEARLY had my fair share of horrible dating experiences, and have coined the phrase "The Vortex" to describe a possible explanation for where men go when they stop calling, and fall off the planet, out of nowhere.

Where necessary, due to proximity of time or location, names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Today's tale is, sadly, also coming at you from Chicago.

It wasn't long after things with Tim had come to a close. Summer had come and gone in 2006, and the Fall meant one thing.

College Football.

Now, as many of you know, I'm a huge fan. And, a willing fan for my friends who went to other schools. Namely, my girls and their love of Ohio State football. This particular late-October day, we'd decided to buy tickets to the McGee's party/bus the OSU alumni club used for close road games—it was headed to Champaign-Urbana to the University of Illinois. We met at the bar, decked out in red and winter coats, and had a few starter drinks. Then boarded the luxury bus and claimed our seats somewhere near the middle.

There were four of us girls, and we were hip to mingle. By mid-way down the highway, we had made friends, and engaged in silly conversations, with all the people near us. Namely, for me, a guy that was seated directly behind me. Since this one's a tad more recent, I'll call him Brian.

Brian was not my typical type, physically, but he was cute, tall (enough) and funny. We laughed and shared stories and generally got to know each other, in the strange context of a 3-hour bus ride downstate Illinois. He worked in sports marketing, and I'd done that in my pre-Chicago life, so we bonded quickly.

Brian was with a buddy, too, and the lot of us bounded off the bus to tailgate with others. Things were perfect, save for the ridiculously chilly Fall air. Puffy coats abound. And no one really looks all that cute and glamorous in a puffy coat, let's be honest.

The day was fantastic, and we all boarded the bus home in a crazy delirium, right as the rain/ice/snow started to fall. The bus left us at the bar, after the return 3-hour trip, and we all parted ways. The next day, Brian called. We had dinner, then another date, and quickly we were seeing each other quite a bit.

He was sweet—almost too nice. But, having been burned (you've been reading this week, right?!?) a few times, I was game to be treated kindly. And, I was a tiny bit more wary to meet "the parents" too soon. That was not a good move last time, so we kept things light.

After about three weeks of pretty constant dating, talking, phone calls and long conversations, he asked me if I was his "girlfriend." Putting it in writing makes it sound cheesy—but at the time it was pretty cute and rather reassuring. I am pretty sure I made some wise-crack about wearing his letter jacket. He laughed, and nodded. He felt it too! We had a great connection (now I feel like I'm on "The Bachelor") and it was going well.

My friends liked him, and of course extended the invitation for him to attend my surprise party that was being held for my 30th birthday the first weekend in December (a good 4 weeks before my actual birthday, to throw me off the scent).

He, unfortunately, was traveling with his job (sports team) and couldn't attend the party Friday night, but promised me he'd be there for part two on Saturday night. He came, and my friends (from Atlanta and Chicago) loved him. I was beaming. That may have been the fresh tequila shot and the glow of singing "Every Rose Has its Thorn" in front of 1,000 people with a live band, but who knows.

Yes. I did. No. You can't see the video.

Moving on.

All was good. Easy, even. I was happy. Christmas was coming up, and we were all feeling festive. My friends Jill and Josh were hosting a dinner party on Tuesday night, to get rid of all of the excess food from the party (due to the enormous snowstorm that kept 13 people trapped in various airports nationwide and NOT at our party eating it).

Brian lived on the way, so I picked him up. He'd met Jill and Josh, so I thought this night would be a snap. We walked in, and settled into the cozy living room and poured some wine. The chatter was friendly and light, and then a few more folks came in. A couple. Then another couple. Then a married couple. Then a married couple with a new baby in tow.

I didn't realize it, because frankly, we're getting older and that's what people do (couple off). But, quickly (and again, unnoticed by me) the party was all couples. One guy, being funny, started joking about marriage. He and his wife have a great relationship, but they've been married a long time (like 15 years?) so he had lots of material. We laughed.

Then the baby started to wake up (she was only 2 weeks old) so we passed her around and oohed and aahed and cuddled her.

Dinner was served, and it was delicious (Josh is a great cook!) and the night was delightful. Until, unbeknownst to me, things went badly for Brian. In his head.

We said our goodbyes, and left to face the bitter cold and walk back to my car. He was uncharacteristically quiet. I figured he was tired, as it was only Tuesday.

He traveled the following day, and for a few days in a row, including some of the weekend (sports doesn't work M-F, 9-5), and we talked occasionally. Lighter than normal, though.

When he returned, he didn't make moves to see me again. I didn't want to push him since I knew that his work schedule at that time of year was a killer. He let another full week go by, with only an occasional IM or text message. No calls.

Certainly, I'd grown aware of it, and now realized something must've happened. I didn't trace it back to the party, not at first.

It had been about 10 days since then, and we still hadn't gotten together. And this was after seeing one another 4-5 days a week since for the past two months.

I asked him what was up. He denied anything was up.

Later, I asked if he was ok. He said he was ok.

Finally, I put it out there. We were on Instant Messenger for crying out loud.

I said, "Did I miss something?"

He paused. Long pause. On IM it is more like you sit waiting, staring at an empty box, while the taunting little cursor is waiting. It didn't even say, "So-and-so is typing" like it does if there's a long response coming your way.

Nada.

He said he'd call later. Well, ok. That's more like it. Let's be adult about it.

He didn't call that night, or the next. Or the next three. Finally, about a week later, I heard from him. It was almost Christmas, and I had pretty much given up on the fact that I'd be hearing from him at all.

Still, I was baffled. Another VORTEX in the same calendar year?

He finally called, and all he could say was, "I just don't think we want the same things." I know now, in all my infinite wisdom, that that is a cop-out. It means, I don't like you enough to see myself WITH those things with you.

I stuttered out something, and then realized I wanted more of an explanation than that. Give me something to hold on to, buddy.

He reluctantly told me that the party was too much for him.

What? That little 10-person gathering on a TUESDAY NIGHT was too much for you?

Well then. You'd never survive O'Brien Christmas. That's settled.

Apparently it was "too obvious to him" that because "all of my friends are married with kids" that he wasn't ready for that. While I SWEAR to you, Internet readers, I had not ever mentioned marriage, kids, joint checking accounts or even meeting his mother, that was his reason.

Because six people on a Tuesday night happened to be happily in relationships and they happened to be in my large circle of friends and they happened to be happy, I was dumped.

He said he'd think about it, and that he'd miss me, and that he'd call me in the New Year.

Yeah. Right. Let's all say it together, now, shall we?

VORTEX.

I wish I could say that I've never seen him again. It would be easier that way. But, I did run into him at a bar that I never frequent on a part of town that neither he nor I live in, but I was protected by my girls and only barely noticed him.

As he was ducking out the door with his head down.

Seriously.

And then another time, last January, when I was on a date at said sporting event, and there he was. But I was on a date, and he was at work. I had that going for me.

We talked, briefly and it was only sortof awkward.

But, seriously.

I was pulled from the game and benched because I had a few friends who wore rings on their left hands.

NOT a slam dunk.

Easter Funny (A Vortex Tale)

Day four of the Tales of the Vortex.

Let's face it: I have had my fair share of horrible dating experiences, and have coined the phrase "The Vortex" to describe a possible explanation for where men go when they stop calling, and fall off the planet, out of nowhere.

Where necessary, due to proximity of time or location, names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Today's tale, as you've come to expect, is live from Chicago, the playing field for so many of my dating stories.

And, this one started on St. Patrick's Day.

How fitting, for an Irish girl living in this town.

At an annual St. Patrick's Day party, hosted by my friend Patrick (no relation), I was gently "nudged" in Tim's direction. I was open to meeting new people, as it had been a dry spell. It was March 2006, and the green beer was aplenty.

Tim and I hit it off. We had similar personalities, a like sense-of-humor, and enjoyed many of the same things. He was a fantastic cook, and I was a mean dishwasher. He worked in a related field, and was a creative and curious mind—leading to many interesting debates about all things creative. And curious.

We talked for hours on the phone, as I was traveling a ton to Montana back then—and was relieved to have a familiar voice on the end of the phone while I wiled the hours away in the Billings Sheraton.

After a three weeks filled with great dates, including dinners, game night out with my friends, and a concert or two, he invited me to accompany him to a wedding, and I was happy to attend. Where else can you see a guy get dressed up, on his 'best behavior' and be forced to dance? Fan-tastic. We looked good, and had a great time.

At the wedding, I met his close guy friend and his wife. I instantly bonded with her, and her input and approval seemed very important to Tim. I enjoyed them immensely.

The wedding reception was being held in a funky cool art gallery on the west side. While we were touring the paintings, tucked away in a private back gallery, he stopped on a dime. Turned around. And asked me what I was doing the following weekend.

It took me a minute. (The wine was lovely, give me a break).

I paused, coyly of course, and said, "Oh, next weekend?" And he replied, "Yes. Easter."

Now, I hate to admit this in the public forum called the Internet, but I don't typically go home to Atlanta to spend Easter with my family. Even though I'm Catholic, and apparently Easter is one of the TWO times most lapsed go to mass, I just don't see fit to spend $300 to go home to attend church in Georgia. Even though my mom's ham is pretty outstanding.

I said, knowing where this was going, "Nothing...why?"

He invited me home to his parents' house for the holiday. In Milwaukee. Where, he promised, his brothers (2) and their wives (2) and kids (2) would be hanging out, drinking beer, eating too much and playing yard sports.

I was in.

When Saturday came, we piled into his car, and headed north. Crossing the border into Wisconsin, I was looking forward to meeting his family. And spending this amount of time with him. His family, truth be told, was charming. His hometown was cute. His brothers were hilarious. Even when they pushed me up against the kitchen wall and whipped out the tape measure to "prove" I was 6' tall.

Seriously. It happened.

Anyway, we had a great afternoon, replete with beers (it was Milwaukee, mind you), cornhole, chasing toddlers, horseshoes, and a sunny (snow-free) April day. We laughed, and his mother was just charmed. I know it. She told me so.

Tim was at home in this environment, and I was honored to have been asked to see it. I liked it. We seemed to fit.

After Saturday dinner, and the drinks that ensued, it was time to adjourn to the sleeping quarters. When getting the "tour," his mother had gestured at the single beds in the basement, with a stack of folded fresh towels on each, and said, "You guys can sleep down here."

Waaaaait a second.

I knew a "Mom test" when I saw one.

Leaving Tim downstairs, and following Mom back up, I said, quietly, "I think I'd prefer to sleep upstairs in the guest room."

She literally smiled so hard I thought she was going to pull a facial muscle.

I laughed, and said, "My Mom raised me right."

That was settled.

Tim wasn't all that thrilled, but he'd survive.

The next morning, I awoke to clanging, showered and dressed and entered the kitchen. Mom was making a "bunny cake." You know, the kind that is complete with tall pointy ears and covered in coconut shavings (fur), jelly beans (eyes, buttons), licorice strings (whiskers) and a variety of colors of icing (bowtie).

AAH! I've made this cake before! I immediately dove in and helped out. Pretty soon I had icing on my elbows, coconut on my shirt and a smile on my face. Needless to say, Mom was happy. We talked (she has three sons, for crying out loud!) and laughed and were like Easter Eggs in a basket by the time Tim woke up.

After Mass, and brunch, we settled in to play their family's annual trivia game, where the questions/answers were divided into Jeopardy-like categories that included Music, Current Events, History and Family. Not long into the game, where Tim and I were partnered as a team, did it occur to me that he'd called for research. He knew too much—my family was included in these! I couldn't believe it.

I revealed where my parents had met (a mixer), what my Mom's favorite car was (Fiat), where they'd gotten engaged (KFC) before it finally hit me.

He'd called my Mom.

I couldn't believe it. She didn't tell on him! He called my Mom!!!

The day ended with a family flag football game in the yard, and a few loving tackles of our own.

On the drive back to the city, I wanted nothing more than to bask in the weekend. To ask him what he thought. To find out what his Mom had told him about me. To see how he was feeling. What he thought of the Easter Lily I'd brought his Mom. To discuss the Easter basket his mother had given me.

I didn't barrage him with questions, but it was clear very soon that he wanted nothing to do with that line of questioning. Or conversation at all for that matter.

It was the quietest 1.5 hour drive ever.

A few days went by, and it became clearer and clearer that something was amok.

We talked once or twice, and then I had to travel and the chats grew more sporadic.

Ultimately, we'd made plans for dinner about 10 days later, and I raced home from work excited to see him.

Our plans were for 6:30 pm.

I waited. And waited. And waited.

VORTEX?

It was now about 8 pm. With visions of ditches and accidents and police officers and ambulances, I finally called him.

Voicemail.

By 8:30, it was clear I'd been stood up. Brenna called and offered for me to join the girls at a bar, and I couldn't help it. I had to get out, or I'd sit on the sofa and cry. Wasting the makeup I'd just re-applied.

In a last ditch effort, I looked at my Blackberry once more.

And there it was.

The breakup email.

Huh? It was as bad as a post-it note, Carrie Bradshaw.

It explained that he couldn't do it anymore, that he knew I was the type of woman he should be with, that he thought I was smart, funny, interesting, great, charming, lovely and beautiful, and that it was clear how much my family liked him, and that may be what scared him the most, and that he knew he shouldn't end it, but he just had to.

And he was sorry.

And, that was it.

I never saw him again. Still haven't, actually.

VORTEX.

To this day, I can't look at an Easter Bunny cake the same way.

Don't feel the need to make me feel better about this one. It hurt, it sucked, I was mad, I got drunk that night, I think he's a small-minded chicken-shit, but I moved on. I'm better off. Just wanted to let you off the hook.

Napkin Notes (A Vortex Tale)

Day three of Tales of the Vortex week. I'll just roll right on, okay?

Let's face it: I have had my fair share of horrible dating experiences, and have coined the phrase "The Vortex" to describe a possible explanation for where men go when they stop calling, and fall off the planet, out of nowhere.

Where necessary, due to proximity of time or location, names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Today's tale is also a Chicago one. I'm telling you, ladies of the Midway, there are many men out there in our fine city. The ones that haven't gotten sucked into the Vortex, that is.

Shall we begin?

It was a typical Saturday night in late September, about four years ago. Laura and I decided to make the evening not-so-typical, and agreed to go out and actually TALK to other people besides ourselves.

We were (and still are, frankly) notorious for going out with our girls, sitting in a booth and talking only to one another all evening. That's great for girls' night out, and we all need that, don't get me wrong. But if you're two single ladies in the city, you can't expect that the guys are going to be willing to come over, bust into that and make their move.

It's just not fair.

So, we agreed to be more open. Chatty. Approachable.

We sat at the bar at Mystic Celt, a nice Irish bar on Southport where the service is good, the crowd is fun and the music is loud.

After a drink or two, the bartender handed me a cocktail napkin, gestured over her shoulder, and said, "It's from the guy at the end of the bar."

Hmmmm....interesting.

I looked up from the napkin to see a fair-haired, nice-looking, conservatively dressed guy sitting where she motioned. He smiled my way, and then looked down in a hint of embarrassment.

Glancing back at the napkin, I realized he'd written a message on it. Now, I'd love to recall it word-by-word, or even better yet, to still have it saved in my desk drawer for precisely this occasion, but let's be honest. When the story went where the story is bound to go, those napkins went out with yesterday's garbage.

But, for the time being, I'll give you a general sense of the course of the dialogue.

He'd said something cute, charming and witty. Penned it right there on the napkin. I laughed, probably out loud, showed it to Laura, and together we penned something back. Equally witty, of course.

The communication went back and forth like that for a few rounds, with him eventually asking my name, commenting on it being of Irish descent, told me he was a Notre Dame grad and that he'd been raised Catholic (as was I) and to that we made a few joking references. Oh, and his name was Andrew. Why spare him that, right?

At one point, I wrote back, and then passed through the very patient bartender, something about going to checking yes or no. He checked yes. He referenced the awkwardness of grade school dances. He even made the "leave room for the Holy Spirit" joke. I knew of it, but since I'd escaped parochial school, I couldn't exactly relate beyond the movies.

Ultimately, he stopped the paperwork and just came over. Made some charming introduction, was kind enough to include my friend, and kept up the witty banter. We were both pretty charmed at this point.

He asked me for my number, and I obliged. Anyone that went to that much trouble, and through that many cheap bar napkins, was worth a shot.

When the evening ended, and the lights came on, Laura and I said our goodbyes, and he offered to share a cab home (he lived within two blocks of me) and I allowed that. Arriving at my house, he paid the cab driver and got out of the car. I wasn't about to invite him up, so we took a seat on the edge of the fountain that is in my condo's driveway. In full view of the two doorman, in case anything shady was going to go down.

I remember talking about our love of travel, U2, the city, our work (he was an investment banker), our family and our college days long past. I was fairly sure a kiss was coming, and that was fine by me. Right when he leaned in to make his move, he laughingly, deftly, put an arm behind my back and lowered me (quickly, all at once) into the fountain. I was dripping wet, and cracking up. Way to go, buddy. I liked that he felt comfortable enough to joke with me that way. It was good chemistry, all around.

We went out to dinner a few nights later, and all I can recall is that the conversation was perfect. It was as if we'd known one another for years, but at the same time, had so much to learn. Andrew seemed hungry to know more, and I let him in just enough to keep him interested, but not enough to feel like he knew it all.

Can't let a man open ALL the Christmas presents right away, you know.

Three, four, five dates went by, and things were just getting good. We talked occasionally on the phone, but mostly it was sporadic emails, primarily to set up the next date. I was fine with that—we were both busy professionals that didn't have much free time. A few weeks passed, and I realized that he worked insane hours. Not just long days.

Brutal days.

He worked, to close a deal, until 3 and 4 in the morning quite regularly. I wouldn't believe him, except he was good about calling to "say hi" and emailing me at odd hours—always from his work account when I was fast asleep. He didn't break plans, necessarily, but he was definitely working more than we were dating.

I wasn't quite sure when he poor guy was sleeping or eating, frankly.

Then it was this weekend—the Chicago marathon. We watched it together, huddled on my sidewalk in fleece and blue jeans, drinking the hot coffee he'd brought over with bagels, and I felt like we were a couple. It was just easy. He laughed at my stories, and I at his. He told tales of his life, and I of mine. He mentioned future plans and hopes and travels and things he "wanted to show me/experience with me."

Isn't that what any girl longs to hear?

He left that day to go into the office for a bit to wrap up a few things before the week started, saying he'd call later when he was free from work's obligations. We made plans for dinner that coming Wednesday, after work, to try out a new restaurant downtown we'd both read about. I smiled all the way through the laundry to which I likely devoted my time that day.

I never got to try that restaurant. Needless to say, I still haven't been there.

He was never to be heard from again.

VORTEX.

I don't have an explanation for this one. He may be married by now, with kids of his own. I have no idea, and that's okay. He wasn't going to be my future, but for those few great weeks in the Fall of 2005, I was having fun. It was Fall, and I was headed in the right direction.

But really? The hot coffee and bagels and future plans?

I could have done without.

Goodbye Baby Blues (A Vortex Tale)

Let's face it: I have had my fair share of horrible dating experiences, and have coined the phrase "The Vortex" to describe a possible explanation for where men go when they stop calling, and fall off the planet, out of nowhere.

Where necessary, due to proximity of time or location, names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Today's tale comes to you from Chicago, the home of many, many Vortex victims.

I met Frank about 6 years ago through a couple friend of mine. My friend said that Frank was known for being smart, kind, funny and extremely conservative. In fact, within 10 minutes, he and I had already compared political notes and had a lively chat. He was charming and flirtatious. He was handsome and older. Just what I needed.

I was smitten.

He asked for my number. I gave it to him with a smile. He called after the required three days. We went to dinner, and had a lovely time. The line of questioning was typical, and he was open, candid and interesting. The conversation was fresh and rewarding. His blue eyes sparkled when he talked.

Dessert came and we felt like it was too soon to call it a night. He had already locked in the second date, so the pressure was off. We laughed, toasted and shared stories of our lives that brought us to Chicago. At one point, he said with a smile, "how are you single?" I laughed off that question, and continued to bask in his company.

On our second date, the pleasant chatter continued. We each opened up more and more, and he interrupted my story with, "where exactly did you come from?" I laughed, knowing he meant more than geography, and said, "Georgia." He smiled, and we both looked away to avoid the clear chemistry that was building. At the end of the evening, the kiss was more than nice.

We went out a few more times, and his 'admiration' seemed to build, as did mine of him. I reveled in the fact that I knew he thought I was classy, interesting and fun. I felt the same about him. Things were looking up!

He traveled a little bit for work, and at the time, I did not, so I didn't realize how hard that really made your social life. He went out of town for a week, and then stayed through the weekend. We emailed a bit while he was gone, and I looked forward to his return to Chicago. He'd asked me for another dinner that week, and I'd happily agreed.

I'm glad I didn't starve myself for that one.

Because I'd still be hungry.

I never heard from him again.

VORTEX.

Until I saw him last year, while entering Soldier Field with my friend Tim on a November Sunday.

We were in a huge crowd, shivering in the snowy cold, and I was pushed gently up against the throng of people in front of me. Tim said something loud and funny, and the guy in front of me, wearing a Bears ski cap, turned around to comment, and Frank and I were face to face, inches apart in a crowd of thousands.

He was holding hands with a little boy whose eyes were the exact same color blue of Frank's.

We both blinked, smiled, and looked away.

That was it. No words were exchanged, but we both knew what was behind that look. Tim inquired who it was, and I shrugged and said, "I don't know him."

It was true.

I linked arms with Tim and walked into the stadium.

A Burp on the Radar (A Vortex Tale)

I've been promising a week of Tales from the Vortex, and folks, it is time for me to deliver.

I kicked this off last week and I shared this naked story awhile back, and this week, will attempt to fill all five days with posts that describe my best various and sundry dating tales.

Let's face it: I have had my fair share of horrible dating experiences, and have coined the phrase "The Vortex" to describe a possible explanation for where men go when they stop calling, and fall off the planet, out of nowhere.

Where necessary, due to proximity of time or location, names have been changed to protect the guilty.

This story is an oldie but goodie. It happened when I was a junior in college. I didn't even realize the extent of the horrors of dating. I didn't yet know of the Vortex, and I certainly hadn't experienced it. I'd dated a few guys in college, including my high school boyfriend, and hadn't yet realized that guys would say all kinds of things and then fall into a hole never to be heard from again.

I had a lot to learn.

His name was Matt. I'd been introduced to him by a sorority sister, and I had heard the stories. I knew he was older and had a reputation for dating a lot. I was flattered he chose me—and had fun being the center of attention at Sunday breakfast in the sorority house. Girls wanted to hear stories about him, how much fun were we having? and who did we hang out with the night before?

Our "relationship" was brief, but we had fun. I knew he wasn't the man of my dreams, but he taught me how to enjoy the attentions of someone besides my high school boyfriend. He was loud, funny, silly and smart. When we went out, people wanted to be near him. He was known.

Things were going well, and we had had a fun few months hanging out. I was asked to go with him to his fraternity weekend in the mountains of North Carolina, and we doubled with my friend and her boyfriend. After a great weekend, we were pulling back into Athens, and had just turned on to Milledge Avenue, right by my house. Matt was driving, and I was in the front seat, gleaming with the glow of attention, attraction and excitement.

He burped loudly, and didn't excuse himself. All of us laughed—in that Will Ferrell stupid humor kind of way—and then I jokingly said, "Hey, aren't you supposed to be trying to impress me at this stage?"

The car's atmosphere changed. The air grew cold. Not a sound was made.

I'd clearly made some sort of dating faux pas, but for the life of me, I wasn't sure what it was.

We pulled into the sorority parking lot, and my friend and I got out. Matt gave me a brief, yet chilly hug, and we said goodbye.

I didn't hear from him for about 10 days, which in college time, was the equivalent of 10 years. When your social life didn't just revolve around weekends, you saw people more often.

I asked my friend, the girl who'd witnessed the freeze-out in the car, and she shrugged it off claiming he was just busy.

This guy was something like a 6th year senior. How busy was he, exactly? It was doubtful.

The following Thursday, I saw him at the local hangout, the one where you got to take the previously purchased 22-ounce plastic mug with you and for $3 you could fill the thing up with ice cold draft beer. I approached him gingerly, with a smile.

His reaction was clear. His face didn't break into the smile he'd normally given me.

It was over. I knew it, and so did he. Inquisitively, and frankly, naively, I asked him what was wrong? He shrugged, and said casually, "I just am not feeling it."

Uh, ok. I thought we were joking about a burp, but maybe that was just me.

I walked away, shaking my head.

I never saw him again.

VORTEX.

Not two weeks later, though, I heard that he was dating someone and it was "serious." He eventually married her and had kids with her. I haven't really thought of him much since, and I do realize that he wasn't really in the Vortex.

He just wasn't interested. And, considering his likable qualities were most often enhanced by him drinking 48 PBRs out of a can, I don't really mind.

But it taught me one thing.

Men will close up, walk away and fall off the planet if they so choose. And you will be left wondering.

It was a tough lesson for a rookie dater, but it paved the road of many, many Vortex tales to come.

Oh, and I'm still not a fan of wild burpers who don't excuse themselves. I can't help it.

Public Announcement

I may be the only one, but let's find out.

When I am in a pubic restroom, and there are multiple stalls, and one of them is a handicapped stall with its own sink, mirror and paper towels, and there is no one waiting for that one and I end up using it, I find that the same thing happens every time.

I take care of my business, wash my hands, dry my hands and head out into the main "sink area." And for whatever reason, I feel the need to make a big show of the "I just washed my hands" bit so they know. I practically sing it and/or shake the invisible excess water off my hands so that no one thinks I am one of those gross people that doesn't wash their hands before they return to their table. Employees must wash their hands, by the way.

Seriously, though. I practically make an announcement.

"Hey ladies! I just washed my hands in there - yes, I had my own sink! - so don't you go thinking I'm disgusting and unsanitary and not clean and passing along my germs to my friends/coworkers/clients/flavor of the evening out there at the bar/restaurant/table. Just in case you were wondering!?"

I'm pretty sure that no one even notices, thinks about it, or cares, but I am telling you the truth.

I had my own sink in there. Promise.