It just occurred to me. And I can't stop thinking about it.
Now it's repeating in my head over and over, unchanging.
I suspect this is totally inappropriate to share, but I feel compelled to. Not that I want you to tell me I'm wrong, or crazy, or deserve more. Just that I needed someone to hear this. Although, frankly (and not to offend you, dear readers), I don't even need anyone to actually read and respond to this. I just needed to write this. To put words to it. To actualize my feelings. To make it real. Only, with hope, to make it not happen again.
The problem is this. I'm terrified.
I'm so scared that it will keep happening. It has already happened more than I'd like to admit.
I will meet someone who thinks I'm beautiful, smart, interesting, kind and funny. And he will tell me that a lot. He will compliment me. He will be charming, sweet, romantic and loving.
And he will ask me if "I'm for real?" and "how am I possibly single?" and "why hasn't some guy snatched me up?" And I will feel flattered that he asked. And wonder the same things, maybe, with a hint of a self-satisfied smile.
I'm scared that I will have a hard time trusting anyone again. I'm afraid I won't trust myself. I'm nervous I will not trust my own judgment, of my feelings, my gut, my instincts, my heart.
I'm scared that I will care, and that it will all happen again. Like it has so many times.
The guy likes me so much at first. Loves, even. Cares about what he sees, what he knows, and what he doesn't see and know. Genuinely wants to get to see and know those sides. Those innermost parts.
And, then, as soon as he does, he changes his mind. He pulls back. He moves away. He lets go.
Then, it is over. And I'm alone again. Questioning, doubting, curious.
Wondering if I'm for real, and how am I possibly single, and why hasn't some guy snatched me up.
I'm not smiling this time.
*Borrowed from the title of Joshua Radin's sad and beautiful song.
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