See & Saw

It is both a blessing and a curse.

A convenience and an inconvenience.

A delicious luxury and a ridiculous time waster.

A connector and a separator.

A critical forum and a trivial outlet.

A privilege and a detriment.

A must-have and a should-do-without.

What is it, that sparks so many conflicting opinions in me?

What is it, that creates such a see-saw of emotions?

Do guess. I dare you.

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Ok. Since I haven't been all that diligent about posting this month, I won't keep you waiting any longer. Not especially since we all likely know exactly to what I refer.

Facebook.

Spend one hour perusing the pages of the social networking site, and you'll find yourself conflicted too, I bet. If you're honest with yourself, that is.

You'll likely be any combination, if not all of the below, of the following: wrapped up in other people's lives, overly concerned with the smallest of details, obsessed with how your life is being showcased for the masses, connected to people with whom you never would have rekindled friendships otherwise, back in touch with people that you no longer care about knowing, frustrated by the passive aggressiveness of the status update wars and any number of other results.

You'll spend time oohing and aahing at lovely children, dogs, cats, vacations, weddings, tourist attractions, renovations, first homes, in-laws, parties, graduations, childbirths, and, sadly, even deaths.

You'll find yourself comparing your life, meager or full as it may be in reality, to others' lives as they appear in the social networking version of reality.

You'll be shocked by gossip, affairs, job losses, new hires, career changes, marital issues, sibling rivalry and many other states of the personal union.

But nothing is personal anymore, now is it?

Today I realized that, while I'm as big of a fan as anyone else, that the social networking site that has brought us together is likely to tear us apart after all. I can't even carry on a conversation with anyone anymore that maintains any sense of pre-Facebook normalcy. No news is news anymore until it has hit the site's cyberspace. Nothing is real until Facebook confirms it is so. I can't even fill my mother in on anything anymore - what used to be a healthy chat filled with stories about my life, my friends and what's going on in our world, which incidentally is 1,000 miles from her geographical location, is now merely a "I saw that" and "I read that" and "I looked at those pictures" recounting.

It saddens me to think that this is what it has become.

I'm not above it, or morally objecting, or even withdrawing from it entirely - frankly, I feel like if I did, I'd lose the connections to the small social circle I currently have. No, on the contrary. I find that I need to just accept that this is the new reality, our new way of operating socially, and just adjust and move on.

It is just hard - I find that spending time on Facebook creates, or spotlights, other insecurities that I may have done well to stifle, or at least hide. I know now that I am one of VERY FEW from my high school graduating class that is not sad this week to send their kids off to school, to miss her husband as she/he travels, to take the dog/cat/hamster to the veterinarian, to indulge on a week's long vacation somewhere fantastic this summer, to visit the lake/beach/mountain house/cottage/cabin in the past few months, to buy/sell/rent a new car/house/boat or to change my appearance by cutting/dyeing/styling my hair differently, losing/gaining weight, running/biking/walking a marathon/triathalon/charity event in the past few months.

I know I sound bitter.

I'm not - it is just hard to realize that the good news I do have, or may possibly have, is so vastly different from my peers. I don't begrudge them a thing - I am thrilled for them, and honestly, genuinely glad to get to see how life has changed them and made them happy, full and rich with blessings.

For me, I do long to be in a relationship, not just so my "status" can change on Facebook, but so that I can finally find something real. I long to have children, not to just have albums filled with their firsts, but to truly experience the joy that a family can bring. I long to have a house and a yard and vacations and other things that my peers are fortunate to have - but it is just not my time yet.

It hit me hard today when I saw posted something that triggered old emotions that I thought were long since buried. Those emotions are less about what they refer to, and more about what they signify - I'm ready to have some news, ready to be able to announce to the world, in whatever format that pleases me, that I, too, have something to celebrate.

Until then, I'll continue to witness, read, browse, listen, cheer on, encourage, cherish and applaud others' exciting news.

Even if I only read about it on my Facebook news feed.

Addendum 8/12:
After reading the comments below, I feel obligated to confess that there was far less "whining, woe is me" intended in this post than people have picked up on. It was more "can you believe we never talk to each other any more (guilty as charged) but know everything about the loser from our high school class" and "I can't even talk to my mom without her saying something she read about so-and-so on Facebook"...but clearly you guys know that I've had a rough year and are great to comment to help. I just feel bad that you have to boost me up YET AGAIN. When I wrote this, I wasn't even really THAT bad off but I've learned that heartbreak, and the healing that ensues, is a bit like suffering a bruise - it hurts a lot at first, and then later it only hurts when you bump directly into it. Ya know?