He's at the Gym (A Vortex Tale)

Tonight I was watching CBS' How I Met Your Mother, and the storyline was about Ted going on a blind date, and only halfway through the date did he realize that he'd gone on a blind date with the same girl 7 years before. They both realize it, over their food, and laugh about how much they'd changed and what was different now.

At the end of the date, they shared a nice kiss, and he promised to call. And she froze.

She'd heard that line before. He had promised, as his 2002 self, to call her, and never did. He realized what had happened, and why they'd not continued seeing each other back then.

And she was mad.

He, awkwardly, eeked out, "I have been reaaaaally busy since then."

I laughed, not because the line was that funny, or the scene that well-written, but that it was just so damn familiar.

No, I haven't yet dated the entire circle of single men under 40 in Chicago, and therefore have not yet re-dated the same guy just yet. Not without consciously deciding to, at least.

More precisely, I recalled the story of the birth of the "Vortex." If you're unfamiliar with my Vortex theory, the quick story is that it is a place where guys "go" when they just up and fall off the planet. It involves all kinds of male treats, ranging from video games to 24/7 sports, to free beer and buffalo wings to sex all the time and no real jobs. You get the idea.

Anyway, my friends and I use the term to describe, or just to explain quickly, where a guy "went" when they stop calling randomly, out of the blue. My friend Meredith says that he "fell in the black hole." Same thing, different name.

So the year was 2001. It was late Fall, and I'd only lived here a year. I was in the throes of enjoying single life the way a 24-year old in the city does. Meaning, dating, going out a lot, having tons of fun and eating way too many meals from the rotating incubator grill at the 7-Eleven below my apartment.

I met a guy named Chris through a guy friend of mine. Chris was tall, ridiculously good looking (in fact, he "modeled" and turned out to be far more vain than I), funny and fun to be around. I'm pretty sure he wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed, but we had a good time together.

We "dated" the way that 24-year olds do—in groups, in bars, at keg parties and with lots of other people for distractions. Only on a few occasions did I ever truly go on a "date" with Chris, but we did make it to Sunday mass a few times with dinner afterwards.

One Saturday, we went to lunch and then he dropped me off at my apartment. He said, as I got out of the car, "I'm going to go to the gym for a bit and then I'll call you. Wanna go see a movie tonight?" I replied that I'd love to, and that I'd see him in a few hours.

Saturday evening came and went. As did Sunday. And the next four years.

Needless to say, the poor fellow got sucked into the Vortex and I never heard from him.

Until one day, when I was on my lunch break downtown, and I saw him across the way. I sped up and walked over to him. Smiling, I approached him slowly.

"Uh, Chris?" I said, kindly. He said, "Colleen! How are you?" with a look that was a hybrid of embarrassment, surprise and, frankly, appraisal. I was definitely being 'assessed.'

I said, "I"m great - and so pleased you made it out of the gym! After all this time!" and walked on.

He didn't get my joke, or my insult, or whatever it was. I knew he wouldn't, but it felt so good to say. So, now, when I ever think about the Vortex, he's the first thing that comes to mind.

If I hadn't seen him that day, I'd just have had to assume he was still at the gym. In fact, most men that don't ever call, or stop calling all of a sudden, or just vanish into thin air, I assume have gone to the gym. Maybe it's the front door to the Vortex?

He didn't look as tired as I'd be if I'd spent nearly four years at the gym.

Maybe I'll make this Vortex Week 2009 and will dust off all the old Vortex stories for your reading pleasure. Whatcha think? Shall I put out a call for entries? Anyone?

Amended: maybe this week will have to be "how TV sitcoms and dramas remind Colleen of things in her real life." Also known as, someone get that girl off the couch during the week. Changed my mind. Stay tuned for the next TV-inspired post.