Step Right Up (At Your Own Risk)

This weekend featured St. Joseph, Michigan's big affair. The main attraction. The grande enchilada.

The Venetian Festival.

The musical offerings were a bit light this year, with the main act being "Loverboy," an arena rock band six-hit wonder from the very early 80s, and some kid who sings in the show "Hannah Montana." Luckily, we were fortunate enough to hear Ty Maxon and Brett's sister Brittany perform, and they made it all better.

Sadly, the fireworks were rained out on Saturday evening. The food vendors likely lost out on serious revenue opportunities to sell their elephant ears, roasted almonds, sno-cones and other fair foods to the visitors who usually travel from all over Southwest Michigan.

Weather ruined most of the weekend's activities. However, NOTHING could stop the carnival from coming to town. When the rain finally let up, and the grey haze and dampness moved on, the resulting day yesterday was nothing short of gorgeous. The sky was blue, the clouds were sparse, the sun was out and the lake breeze was perfect.


And, the carnival rides were sparkling in the sunshine. Or maybe that was WD40 dripping off of the bolts holding the frighteningly precarious metal ride pieces and parts together?


As an adult, those things frighten me. Not because I'm wimpy and afraid of the speed, or the height, or ever unpopular with Brett's family...the stomach drop!

Nope. I am afraid of carnival rides because we should be. Let's overlook the fact that they are painted in extremely creepy ways, including one yesterday that featured a distorted Michael Jackson face and bright colors that are designed to make you squint, and discuss the real scary thing.


They look like they could fall apart at any second, they creak and moan under the weight of the participants (well, it was a rather LARGE crowd), and they barely eek their way over the top for each "go." Water was dripping out of many of the buckets, and I'm fairly sure I heard a sizzle or two as the ride geared up.

Ropes zig-zag around on the ground just begging to trip a small kid running for the next ride. Wires and cords are en masse laying in puddles here and there, tempting fate for a good spark. The ride operators are either a) barely out of middle school, or b) barely paying attention.


I felt like an ancient curmudgeon as I wandered through the carnival rides, zig-zagging like the wires and ropes beneath my feet. And, then, the Carnies started flirting.

"Hey pretty lady, come over here and throw a dart to win a giant bear!"

Uh, yeah. Just what a 31-year old childless urban professional needs. An enormous 5-foot pink bear that has a babydoll tee on it that says "Heart Breaker." And, where would I put that? Which room's decor does THAT complement?

The Carnies (and no, that's not derogatory—he used it himself when explaining that "Carnies offer kisses for good luck," eeeww) were all smoking, eating, chewing something homegrown and spitting. All at once.

I didn't understand exactly what they had to say, and their transient lifestyle and secret language had me curious. So, I did my research. More precisely, I turned to Google and Wikipedia.

According to Wikipedia, a Carnie is anyone who runs a "joint" (booth), "grab joint" (food stand), game, or ride at a carnival.

Not surprising.

However, the language of the Carnies is. Look how fascinating!

Though these terms are traditionally part of carnival jargon, it is an ever-changing form of communication, and in large part designed to be impossible to understand by an outsider. Sadly, most of the code-words are created to trick the carnival-goers.

Alibi
A technique used where the player has apparently won the game, but is denied a prize when the jointee invents a further, unforeseeable, condition of the game.

Bally
A free performance intended to attract both tips and visitors to the nearby sideshow.

Blow Off
Rush of customers out of an exhibition.

Burn the lot
To cheat players with little or no attempt to conceal the subterfuge, in the Carnie's expectation that the same town will not be visited again.

Butcher
A carnie that will take every penny from a mark by confusing them and then forcing them to pay.

Flat
A game that is rigged so that you cannot win. Illegal in most states.

Gaff
To rig a game so as to make it unwinnable.

Hammer-Squash
Used to describe an individual as dumb or stupid.

Mark
A target for swindling, especially one whose gullibility has been demonstrated. Derived from the covert use of chalk to mark the backs of especially ripe targets. The term has entered the popular lexicon, usually as "easy mark."

Oats
Stolen money from a concession.

Patch money
Money used to induce police officers to turn a blind eye. Also known as juice or ice.

Sugar Shack
A concession or food-stand that doubles as a front for drug commerce & trafficking.

Store
Can mean any joint, but is usually used to refer to a "straight store" where there's a winner every time. The store is basically selling stock, usually slum, for a handsome profit.

Two-Way Joint
A game that can be quickly converted from a fixed, unwinnable game into a temporarily honest one when police officers come by.

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Don't you feel smarter now? Watch yourself, in more ways than one, if you decide to visit a traveling carnival this summer.

I'd suggest you stick with the food and beer tents. A soggy funnel cake is a sure thing every time.